Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Should I date a friend? Should I date a young teacher of mine?

Dear Mom,

There's a girl that's expressed romantic interest in me. We've been really good friends for awhile now and she says she doesn't want to mess up our friendship. I want us to be together and think we can only strengthen our friendship. How can I get her to drop her reservations?

Sincerely,

Anxious


Dear Anxious,

Seems like you're getting two kinds of messages here: She has a romantic interest and she does not have a romantic interest.

While I'm usually in favor of promoting a bit of romance, you might want to think twice about hurrying this one along.

Obviously, your friendship means a lot to this person; otherwise she wouldn't be asking you to back off in the romance department. I think some of the problems we have in relationships are due to the fact that we hurry to the romance, and when it burns out, we wonder why we liked that person in the first place.

I think that you may be right when you say that your friendship can only be strengthened by romance, but if the girl only thinks bringing romance into the picture will ruin things, I wouldn't keep trying to change her mind. Stand back a bit. Allow her to decide what she wants. You know what you want, now give her the space to see what she wants. Continue to be that good friend and no matter what happens later, she will always know that you cared about her and her wants in favor of your own.

From my experience, when I've told a guy I only liked him as a friend (and this is going way back before I was married, mind you) I truly liked him as a friend and wasn't in the market for a romantic relationship with him. Truly. Even then, I often found him hounding me, trying to get me to change my mind, etc. Nothing serious, just a bit of pressure until we were both on the same page; the message was received, and the guy went elsewhere.

I would stick with the friendship and I wouldn't put pressure on her to "drop her reservations." If your relationship is meant for romance, it will happen soon enough, or later, no matter. The fact of the matter is this:

It will happen if it's meant to happen.

And if it's not meant for you to be together romantically, count yourself lucky for having a good friend to talk with in the first place

====================

Dear Mom:

My Math professor is five years older than me. Should I make a move on her?

Sincerely,

Puzzled


Dear Puzzled,

No.

Allow her to teach. Sit back and learn.

After you've graduated and your life begins anew either at your dream job or at a different college, and if you're still interested, ask away. If you still like her after two years of the college mayhem, make that move. You never know.

Mom
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