My parents hate my boyfriend.

Dear Mom,

My parents hate my boyfriend. Whenever he comes over my mom gives him the third degree; you know, how's the job, the grades, your life? My dad does the same thing, only he's a lot quieter and likes to glare at him. I feel as if they don't think he's good enough for me or something. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Bothered


Dear Bothered,

You might be right about your boyfriend not being good enough for you in the eyes of your parents. This fact rings especially true if you are the oldest child. And it doesn't help that you're a girl.

Parents tend to be more overprotective with their oldest child. And for some reason, being a girl only makes the matter worse. It took me having a second and third girl to mellow a bit and realize that my strict behavior with my first often shut the door to potential conversations both with her and those whom she dated.

That said, your parents want to know about your boyfriend so they will feel more secure about you dating him. If something creeps up in a conversation-he says something like, "I hate my job, it sucks," your parents may be inclined to ask even more questions on this subject because they are wondering how motivated your boyfriend is. If you become real serious, the last thing they want for their daughter is for her to be hooked up with some "loser" who can't hold a job.

This is not to say, however, that your boyfriend's job always needs to be exciting and that he always have to "like it," but your parents, whether you are their first-born or their third, are going to be concerned about someone who "appears" to lack motivation.

Another problem may arise with parents who see a huge age gap between you and your boyfriend. If this is the case with you, be assured that this would give your parents cause to worry. Say you are 20, just beginning college, and your boyfriend is 27. Seven years is a big gap, not only in levels of maturity but interests and attitude. And let's say your boyfriend is considering dropping out of college because "book work" just isn't for him.

Does this make him a loser?

Of course not. But it might be something you'll want to take a look at.

It may be that your parents don't like your boyfriend because he reminds them of someone else, maybe someone they dated whom they consider a mistake. They see similarities between the choice you are currently making, and the choice they made. They don't want you to go through what they had to go through. They are trying to protect you.

Take a look at their concerns. Talk to them. Express your feelings and don't leave your boyfriend out of the loop. He needs to be involved in understanding where your parents are coming from. They also need to understand his feelings.

You can be the catalyst for change. Invite your boyfriend to dinner. Invite him to join in some of your family activities. Talk to your parents about your concerns regarding their treatment of your boyfriend. Perhaps they like him after all-surprise! They are merely interested in learning more about him. But whatever the case, be respectful of your parents' views and in-turn, their hearts may soften.

If not, you will know you have done all you can. Though it's nice to have the support, it feels nice when your parents are positive about your choices in life, in the end, the decision of who you choose to spend your time with is yours.

Mom

How do I teach my children that I need time to study?

Dear Mom,

I am a full-time college student. I am also a single parent. How do I teach my children that I need time to study; that along with being their mom, I also need time to do my homework?

Sincerely,

Stuck between the lines


Dear Stuck:

Try not to pull your hair out. Balancing school and anything else-especially children-is no easy task. On the one hand, you want to make life better for your family, thus the interest in going to school. On the other, in order to have a good family life, time must be spent with your children. We all know this. And yet, how is this balance achieved?

I have a sneaking suspicion that having time for homework when children are around is something like talking on the telephone. Your children don't necessarily need your attention until you're on it. When they see you occupied with something, or someone besides them, they suddenly want your attention.

Why is that?

They need you, plain and simple. They need to feel your love, and they need to feel secure in their environment. This often means your undivided attention.

I have great respect for a friend of mine who waits to do her homework until her children are in bed. Only then is it "quiet enough" she says, to do it. Besides, she wants to spend time with her children as well. This is a good idea, but not the only solution.

Another friend takes her homework wherever she goes. She uses every spare minute to do her homework. Others I know take the bus. There is much you can accomplish on the bus, that is, unless you get "bus sick" like I do.
Spend at least ten minutes with your child doing something they love before pulling out your homework. Experts agree, by focusing on your child first, he or she will feel better about themselves and allow you to take some time to do what you need to do.

Keep a schedule. That is, have a time for homework, a time for dinner, a time to read stories before going to bed. Let your children in on the plan and stick to it. Children crave order and you will find that the more organized you are, the easier it will be to complete your homework.

Talk to your children about the importance of getting your homework completed. Ask for their help. Children are pretty smart. If you tell them, "I will need to work on homework until 7:30; after that, if you've been good, we'll go out for an ice cream cone," they will want to be good to receive the promised reward.

Have some toys in your home that are brought out and played with only when you are doing homework. Your children are less likely to be "bored."

Praise your child when they have been especially good while you have been working on your homework instead of focusing on their bad behavior during a similar time.

Praise equals better behavior.

Lastly, have your children give you ideas about what they would like to do while you are doing your homework. Get your children involved. Children like to be a part of anything new and exciting.

Happy homework!

Mom

How do I stay awake during class?

Dear Mom:

How do I stay awake during class?

Sincerely,

Sleepy


Dear Sleepy:

I remember hearing a story not so long ago of a guy who fell asleep in class. He didn't wake up until the class was dismissed. Only after he'd gone to the restroom, did he notice the terrible secret-he had a lovely saying written on his face.
If this is you, I apologize for letting your secret out to those who didn't see you walking down the hall. In either case, it's really not a good idea to fall asleep in class even if you're afraid of seeing the words, "I am a cute guy," written across your left cheek (face that is).

As for me, this would be as good a reason as any to stay awake-except for this.
You may just learn something. If you haven't had enough sleep the night before, or have struggled to stay awake because the professor is well, boring, or the subject doesn't interest you quite near as much as "you know who" from across the room, or you would just rather be someplace else, listen up.

I tried this trick not too long ago.

I was in one of my classes. We meet at the un-heard-of hour of 8 a.m. (the hour I had signed up for, mind you) and I was just scrambling for a little shut eye when I realized I had begun to zone out. My body was in the chair, but my stomach, well; it was wondering what to eat for breakfast. The night before, I was up too late and the following morning I'd slept in as long as possible, not giving myself time for that most important meal of the day.

To make a long story short, I could have been that dead guy in "Weekend at Bernies," being carried around all day long. I was that dead tired. It was hard for me to focus, and participating, well, let's just say I was sitting quietly in my chair.
I have learned some things since then, and re-learned a few others.

First, always get a good night sleep. I know, I know, you have homework. You have a life outside of college. But you also have a life inside college. Seven to eight hours of sleep a night is essential for not only good health, but for mental and emotional functioning, and personal safety as well. Not surprisingly, only about 11 percent of students get it.

Second, eat a good breakfast. Simple enough, but harder to do when you are running out the door.

Third, study the material. Sure, your teacher may not ask you any questions on the text, but by looking over the material, you will be better prepared to contribute to class discussions and ask those questions if she does. By being prepared, you are not only better able to understand the material presented, but to be an active participant, and less likely to close your eyes.

Fourth, get some exercise. Walk the stairs to class instead of taking the elevator. Take the bus instead of driving your car. Take a morning walk before school. Most experts suggest at least 30 minutes of exercise a day will help you feel less sleepy.
Last, stress does wonders to your body. It can make you feel as dead and listless as a drowned cat. I know it and feel it every day I forget to take some time to smell the roses. Take some time.

Mom