Should I Lie To Spare My Sister's Feelings?

Dear Mom:

Should I say something to my sister who is thin but wears jeans so tight that they make her belly hang out?

Sincerely,

Tummy Tucked


Dear Tucked:

This is one of those questions I believe most people would have the answer to, but far fewer would have the courage to act on. I hope this response will help you to act.

I remember once a few years ago a friend of mine came over to my house wearing the worst shade of lipstick I had ever seen. It was an orange rust color and looked terrible on her fair skin. She asked, "What do you think?" I didn't know what to say. Should I tell her the truth and hurt her feelings, forever distancing our friendship, or should I tell a little white lie and say the lipstick looked just fine?

I decided on the white lie. She put her hands on her hips and replied, "This is the ugliest lipstick I have ever worn! This was a test, and you failed!"

After being angry at her for playing such a trick on me, I began to see that what she wanted to know was if I would be truthful with her even when being truthful was difficult. If she couldn't trust me to tell the truth on the small stuff, how could our friendship weather the large ones?

Talk to your sister. Talk to her alone; not within a group where she is sure to be embarrassed. Sit down with her and spell it out. Not in so many words; the best ones; the words you'd want to hear if your belly was hanging out.

One of the best ways I know of to do this is called the sandwich trick, and is less like a trick and more like a way of smoothing things over a bit while you tell her.

A sandwich is made up of three parts-the bottom piece of bread, the inner layer and the top piece. First, tell her something positive; something you like about her. Add the inner layer, your concern. You might say, "You are so beautiful, but it's hard to see your beauty when you wear such tight pants and your belly hangs out." Finish your concern with the top piece of bread; another positive comment, so that your sister will know you're not just picking on her or something. Leave her knowing her self-esteem and your friendship is still in place.

Good luck!

Mom

Dating Someone With Different Beliefs

Dear Mom:

I am a (non-practicing) LDS student dating an atheist. If I end up staying with him, will I end up hating him and myself?

Sincerely,

Stuck


Dear Stuck:

That you have this question in the first place gives me reason to believe you have some pretty heavy concerns about this relationship. If you had little or no concern, it would not have occurred to you that you might later hate him as well as yourself, bringing me to this question:

Do you believe in God?

I know this is a bold question, but it is the basis, whether you realize it or not, of your initial question. If you were an atheist as he is, there would be no concern. But because you have been taught Christian values through the LDS faith, this leads me to believe that some of these values still hold true for you-if not, again, you probably would not have asked this question.

As a Christian myself, I believe in God and that means I believe God is the driving force of things-nature, the human body, hope, faith and trust. He is the basis of my faith. Atheists, as I understand it, believe in nature, the human body, hope, faith and trust as they see it, and as they choose to live it. Some atheists believe in spiritualism within the constructs of their being; most don't believe in God at all.

While I am a firm believer in people choosing for themselves, I am also a firm believer in people being true to themselves; the cost is too high otherwise.

If you stay with him, you may later, when the romance has softened to a fine glow and you begin to relax a bit (because this always happens) find that the feelings within your heart are battling with the feelings of his heart. This doesn't mean you don't love him; even that you can't love him, but that this difference is driving a wedge between you. Being in a relationship is hard enough without having this additional splinter under the skin.

I have known people who have married outside of their faith. I know you are only dating, but "dating," as my mom always used to tell me, "leads to marriage." And you will "always marry someone you date." This is a fact that can't be disputed nor ignored.

Most of those who marry outside their faith are miserable. Sure, some of them still manage to hang on to the love they have for their spouse, but most (dare I say it?) run into major difficulties. The only thing that saves them is living a separate life (divorce), doing things of a spiritual nature, like attending church for example (alone) or choosing to follow in the footsteps of the other; letting go of what they believe.

Be true to yourself. If you can't talk about God now because you feel he will be offended; if you shy away from certain topics or find that you are listening to his feelings and feeling sick inside as you do so; if you are uncomfortable in any way, listen to those feelings. Be true to what you feel. If you're not true to yourself, you will end up hating him as well as yourself.

Love,

Mom

Balancing school with work and fun

Dear Mom:

How do I balance full-time work and school and still have a social life?

Sincerely,

So stressed I can hardly stand it


Dear Stressed:

I know just how you feel. No, I wasn't working, but one summer I was taking a three week anatomy and physiology class.

Okay, people warned me that it was going to be hard, and yes, I was told that the regular semester class was difficult, but I thought, "Three weeks and I'll be done! Anyone can handle three weeks!"

Every moment of my life was spent studying, sleeping or eating-okay, and peeing. There was not much time for anything else. I did have a column at the school paper, and the editing stuff I had to do, but truthfully? My plate was full. I'm glad it was only full for three weeks.

"What's normal?" you ask. Living a busy life, but not so busy that the most important things in life take the back seat; like friends, family and getting out and just having some fun. Sure, you won't be able to get out every night; that would be unrealistic, unless you don't care about getting good grades, and I am supposing you want good grades because of your question.

With that said let me suggest some pointers:

1. If you work full-time, cut down on your class load. If you're a brain, you might be able to handle it; if you're like the rest of us, it's truly not worth your insanity putting too much on your school plate.

2. On the other hand, you may be able to cut down a bit on your work hours. See what you can do to free up some more time for study and fun.

3. Balance your day with free time as much as possible. If you're studying becomes a five hour stint on Tuesday (your only day off) for example, try cutting it down to two and taking a half an hour break in-between. A half an hour in a full day will not hurt your grades and will give you that breather you need. Believe me, after awhile your brain shuts down anyway, so why not have some fun?

4. Have the courage to make changes when you know you are over your head. A friend of mine recently dropped a class because she knew she was quickly reaching her limit. Dropping a class doesn't mean you are dumb; just smart enough to take care of a potential problem before it becomes a real one.

5. Finally, remember you are in school, and with that comes sacrifice. When all is said and done, you will be spending less time with friends, family and all those fun events you wish you could go to until you have graduated. Fortunately, school doesn't last forever. I know it seems like it, but I also know that with a will comes a way, and the best way I know of to make the change from stress to success is to take an honest look at where you are now and what needs to happen to reach the finish line-in one piece.

Mom