Sunday, May 24, 2009

How to gain a mothers acceptance of a gay lifestyle

Dear Mom:

I live a gay lifestyle. How do I get my mother to accept me?

Sincerely, Too hurt to cry

Dear Hurt:

This is a serious question demanding a serious answer. The bottom line as I see it-all you really want from your mom is love, right? To be loved is to be accepted because you and I both know that not everyone on the face of this planet is going to see things in exactly the same way. We are all individuals-unique individuals who, when all is said and done, want to be accepted. The problem arises when someone we know should love us most seems to love us least.

As I write this I am filled with sadness for your mother. I am sad because she is missing out on knowing her child, in developing a relationship that can handle any difference in lifestyle or opinion. Not that I think that working through this difference is easy; I don't.

I have three children of my own. If one of them came to me with the news that they were gay, I would be shocked. My first reaction would be to stare ahead of me in dumb amazement. I hope I wouldn't yell. I hope I wouldn't say something I would later regret. One thing's for sure. I know my heart would be pounding. I would probably cry. And when all was talked out on both sides, I pray I would have the courage to see beyond the moment. I pray I would remember how much I loved my child.

Your mother is afraid. She thought she knew everything about you. And then the bomb hit. You may have even known it was a bomb before it hit, because you have known your mom for a long time too. You know many of her thoughts, her quirks, and her issues. But perhaps you had no idea how easily she could shut you out of her life.

So here we are again at the bottom line. Though you want to be loved, to be accepted by your mother, this can't be forced. I could tell you that she loves you though you don't feel it, but I don't know if you'd believe me. I could tell you that she's afraid to confront the issue because she wants to think of you the way you were before she knew. I could tell you many things that you may or may not believe. But know this: You cannot change your mother. You can pray for her. You can feel sorry that she currently does not seem to want a relationship with you, but you can't change the way she feels, just like she can't change the way you feel.

This may sound discouraging, but I wouldn't give up hope. There may come a day when your mother wants to regain your friendship. Be open to that day when it comes, for it will be a day of healing for you both.

With love,


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